In 2015, I inexplicably developed severe carpal tunnel in both arms, which made it almost impossible for me to work. Eventually, at the beginning of 2016, my arms finally gave out completely in the middle of painting a product. I was forced to stop working. Since then, I tried another job for a month but was summarily released from duty.  I have now begun to attempt to make money the only way I possibly can, which is online. The income seems to be incredibly small at this point. All I can hope for and strive for is enough money to get through the month. Pay the bills, feed myself.

I have spent a lot of time over the last two years reflecting on how I could have changed even the most minute actions in my life that would have prevented this from occurring. Of course, as a self-reflective type of person, I attempted to blame myself for it all. There has to some explanation or course alteration that led to this. What mistakes did I make? As much as I wanted to find myself the culprit, I couldn’t locate any reasonable evidence that it was all my fault.

Growing up with my dad, I was taught to respond to events and circumstances as generating from three potential sources. The origin of a problem could be God, people (self included), or satan. I always tended to attribute anything great to God, of course, and anything bad to satan. But my first gut reaction is to find myself the culprit.

After pondering this through self-introspection, counseling, and the influence of people that know me well, I have finally arrived at a reasonable conclusion. I blame all three.

How am I going to survive like this? I really don’t have the slightest clue. I am trudging along, taking stabs at everything in hopes of creating a system of income to lift me out of the rut. If God caused this, once I finally figure out the lesson, He will take care of the logistics. If satan caused this, I really have no idea how or why he could do so unless it’s a sort of similarity to what happened to Job in the Bible, then all I can do is wait for God to crush him and free me from the travail. If I caused this, all I can do is appeal to God for mercy and do everything possible to fix it.

Struggling through everyday pain caused by fibromyalgia, degenerative disk disease, acute photophobia, carpal tunnel, and some other more minor symptoms, it is with great difficulty that I actually make it through each day. The side effects include clinical depression, which only aggravates the entire scenario. Issues with my digestive system have a negative impact on my sleep habits, and then vice versa, bad sleep has a negative impact on digestive health. It is a downward swirl, and it seems to have no end other than, at this point, a very welcome death.

I have this one hope, that I am not left alone to suffer and die, leaving zero positive impact on the world. No matter how this plays out, I am endeavoring to accomplish something that will leave a legacy for future generations to benefit from.

Are you experiencing something similar? I know a lot of people in worse conditions than myself. If you have a story to tell, email it to me from the contact page. I will edit it and post it as a follow-up here.

Thanks for reading. Be blessed and keep your head up, no matter how dark the skies and fiery the ground.

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